And then there was one
by Evernia
Summary: A glimpse into Yuffieland. Crazy ramblings and fish.


My crazy attempt at a story. Forgive me.

--

One. Two. Splash. Three.

Flickers of gold swam before Yuffie's eyes. _Remind me why I'm here scooping up dad's dead goldfish_.

Well, that was it for today. Yuffie stood up, her plastic Zip-loc double-zip economy-size freezer bag swinging proudly with three little very unalive fish, who looked as if they had drowned but that was pretty impossible because they had gills. If they _had_ drowned, then they would have asphyxiated. Because their gills would not have been working. Sometimes Yuffie tried drowning Godo's fish anyway, despite what Common Sense would tell her, but it just wouldn't work, much to her disappointment.

Anyway, Yuffie's double shift of fish duty was over, and she pondered the little fish she had in her hands. Godo would have wanted them flushed down the _royal_ toilet because they were _royal_ goldfish and he was a _royal_ pain slash crazyman like that, but his daughter decided to feed them to her cats instead. She had considered trying to make them into sushi, but scrapped the idea because whatever Godo fed the goldfish, it was probably toxic to humans.

Screw Godo's toilet. It was the circle of life, anyhow. Well, it was what Godo always preached, but Yuffie rather thought that he had exempted himself from the circle, because he was delusional and thought he would live forever, being the Son of Leviathan, blah blah blah, etc., but whatever. In her eyes the circle was more like a triangle but whenever she tried to argue her point Godo and his advisors would shut her up, like this: SHH-SHHH-HHHHS-SSHHHH-SHHH. She knew how those people who tried to say the earth was round felt in the past, except she was still alive. And not under house arrest.

Anyway Yuffie's cats had a nice little meal while she watched them eat while drinking tea and scooping rice in her mouth, because she's a messed-up little kid like that. I bet she also sleeps on a mattress made of Nerosuferoth organs too, because she's a ninja and ninjas **totally do cool gory things like that** even though Yuffie is pretty hygienic (except when she eats Junonian food, it's like a biological volcanic disaster waiting to happen so you better run when she does when the shit (the food shit, not the real shit because that's pretty nasty when it spews out the other end) tries to escape her body from any orifice possible). It's rather like a bio bomb; AVALANCHE tried to flush out Rufus Shinra like that by stuffing Yuffie full of that nasty crappy Junonian cuisine and shoving her inside the building, except they didn't get Rufus Shinra. They got Rufus Shinra's body. Yuffie was okay, except she got a 13 on the Stink-o-Meter, which only goes from 1-10. Needless to say she became an instant ice-breaker at parties, and also a police tool to break up riots. She demanded very high prices for her services, and also to cover her hospital bill.

So after that pleasant little time-wasting tea session with her feline friends Yuffie decided to take a stroll in her little yacht (because she's a princess, and princesses are rich and obviously have yachts because it's the status quo for rich people) for no reason at all. No reason at all. Except maybe for some of Tifa's fried chicken. And to catch Barret coloring in a _My Little Moogle_ book with Marlene. She brought a camera, just in case. (Cloud was on one of his other little heroic missions, this time to save some poor villagers from village idiot-eating orchids. Apparently village idiots were in vogue or something, 'causethe place was pretty upset about losing its only village idiot, and had had a hard time finding one to replace it. They'd finally resorted to importing one, but the orchids had eaten it immediately, which pissed the locals off immensely.) She'd ask Tifa to take a picture after she joined in. She'd always wanted to color outside the lines, except when she had done that her dad would yell at her. Except it wasn't in a coloring book, it was on his black-and-white kimono. She still didn't really get why he flipped out like that. His kimono after her makeover matched him perfectly – rainbow. Except the kimono had a smiley face, but that was the only difference. (And, by the way, Yuffie didn't know that Cloud had barely passed the orchids – they had at first swallowed him up but decided that he had gotten just a tad too smart to be another imported village idiot, even though he was brain-dead, and had spit him out in distaste soon afterward.)

And she'd also try to sneak a drink from Tifa's bar, because she'd never been drunk before and she was already nineteen and old and wrinkly, and in need of Botox, and also because she didn't want to die before getting sloshed. Which was a pretty weird wish, but it was right on her to-do list next to "rip off Cait Sith's arm just to see if he has any bones" and "replace the ripped arm with Dyne's gun-arm that I will dig up from his grave in Corel Prison, even though he's probably been already dug up and raped in the prison shower, because they are prisoners and sick like that, and also can't smell, which I don't want to not be able to do, except maybe when fighting Dragon Zombies and Cid's morning breath". Oh and also because she was going to wear a gaudy shiny pretty crown next year and get to order shitloads of people around, which she liked to do, but not wearing a crown and preferably not hooked up to some sycophantic old geezer (who would invariably remind her of Godo and that would make her sicker than Junonian food) whose shamestick would probably be old and shriveled up anyway, but which would be good because she wouldn't want a brat anyway. If it weren't, she was also sure that her vagina had teeth and spat poisonous saliva.

Anyway, on the yacht. Yuffie had it outfitted with an anti-seasickness motor because she was rich, royalty, a successful thief, had lots of skilled lawyers, etc.

So when Yuffie stepped off her yacht into Costa del Sol her hair resembled an electrocuted chocobo because she had been going at about 100 knots which was pretty much the anti-seasickness guarantee. Yeah, sure, she had to feed it a few human souls and some babies once in a while, but it was worth not puking, she thought.

Then she strode into Tifa's bar, kicking the door open with her foot just like in the movies. She flailed her Oritsuru in front of her in a hapless attempt to make it turn into a gun so it would look like a Western.

She said loudly, "This is a holdup!"

She also said, "Fuck you!", just because and because it was pretty quiet, and Yuffie didn't like quiet. She also didn't like unattention being paid her.

Then again, it was three in the morning, and Yuffie had forgotten that Costa del Sol was about four hours ahead of Wutai, and that people generally _don't_ stay up until the wee hours plotting how to steal materia from sleeping travelers. You know, because she's self-centered like that.

So she didn't get to see Barret color with Marlene, and she didn't get to color outside the lines. Which made her pretty upset. But she did manage to pick the lock to the alcohol cabinet, and got drunk and passed out, and Yuffie also found the fridge and ate some of the cold leftover chicken inside, except without microwaving it, 'cause she didn't feel like it. Not necessarily in that order.

Yuffie did get to see Barret in moogle pajamas, though. She also made sure to take a picture.

So Marlene managed to find Yuffie out like a light the next morning, sprawled on the bar counter just like as if she were a pole stripper and had made some obscene mistake, like forgetting that there wasn't a pole on the table and falling flat on her face. Yuffie, not Marlene. The big difference is that people get arrested for those kinds of things from the latter, even though both didn't really need chest support (one hadn't hit puberty yet and the other was, well, _mammarily challenged_). Even though Yuffie had put on a coconut bra once, and had made Vincent snort milk out of his nose when she had pranced out of the bathroom.

It should also be noted that Cait Sith strolled into Seventh Heaven the next morning, after Yuffie woke up and was fully alert and functioning.

"Yaaaaaaaarrrrgh! My arm!"

Cait was sort of making some cat-moogle-strangling-drowning sound that wasn't very attractive, sort of like a watching a goldfish drown. Impossible but absorbing. Yuffie ignored it and picked up her PHS, dialing a number. Tifa and Marlene were stupefied into a sort of horrified fascination, staring at the gaping hole in Cait from which stuffing was spilling out.

"_Hello?_"

"Cait _does _have bones after all! Vincent, pay up!" Yuffie gloated (i.e. _lied through her teeth_), idly piling up the fluff on the ground into a sort-of snowman which immediately meltcollapsed into a sad heap of polyester blend.

"_I didn't make a bet, Yuffie._"

"Vincent, you didn't say anything except '…' and that counts as a bet! You owe me two hundred pushups and a piggyback ride!"

"_No,_" Vincent said flatly. As if he ever said anything any other way.

Yuffie blubbered helplessly on the other end. "So help me Gawd, you're going to pay up whether you like it or not! I'll All Creation your skinny, pale ass if you don't!"

"_That sounds mildly painful_."

She hung up. Next stop: wherever the _hell_ Vincent was. In another age and another world, Yuffie would have been a terrifying IRS agent.


End file.
